April 25th, 09 晴
是不是习惯依赖一个人后,就会自然的对他撒娇和诸多要求呢???我已经和风通了快两个月的电话了…这两个月里, 我身上发生了很多很多事情...让我非常难受..但是,只要听到他的声音,我就好像吃了定心丸似的..其实说也奇怪,我的择偶条件之一是对方的声音哦...一个成熟稳重还有老实及富有安全感的声音..他…….带我太多的安稳了…却害怕起来…应该是害怕失去他吧!!!我总希望有个人疼我,宠我和爱我.他确实是做到了…而且, 可以说是第一个吧! 可是,我也知道他认识的人也不少,甚至有满多蝴蝶蜜蜂在他身边绕..我不敢断定他是个老实人..虽然我觉得他是..如果有一天我们失去了联络,我应该会非常难过吧!!虽然我们称不上是情侣,我却深深地受他的影响..这就是所谓的影响力吧!
任性,刁蛮的我,应该很少人看得到吧…因为人家眼中的我, 是武装了自己的我.小时候呢, 没有人让我依靠, 没有人让我撒娇.爱我和我爱的人总是早早就离了我.让我哭笑不得.我祖母就是这样.由我懂事以来直到她逝世的那一天, 唯有她最疼我.我永远都不会忘记她的.基督徒总说神最爱世人.我曾多次怀疑是不是真的.如果他真的爱我, 他怎么舍得让我受那么多的苦?? 我吃不消. 要依靠他的能力吗?? 那我想知道众天使天兵是否曾见过他面容呢??会不会像古代戏一样, 皇帝永远都会在一个遥不可及的地方. 我们这些老百姓想见他一面, 恐怕也没机会吧??
我耳边曾出现一个声音, 常常告诉我该怎么做的声音. 很多时候, 我会想: 是不是神在跟我说话啊?? 但是声音却完全不像他.还是说, 是好的我和坏的我在我耳边吵呢??? 哈… 没人知道..
我现在好像漂浮在无边际的大海中似的..
有没有人可以把我的船带到一个停泊港, 避难所呢????
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
谁知道???
April 7th, 09 雨天
祷告.需要多久才会被回应呢??有没有人可以告诉我??如果就如他们所说的,要等.那到底需要等多久呢??我又还有多少时间可以等呢???一天??一个星期???一个月???一年???三年???还是五年,十年???谁知道???
今天,下了一场很长很久的雨.真想知道为什么这场雨会下在这个时候??我也觉得我的想法很奇怪..哈哈……
今天团契的主题是<受难节>.不知道是不是因为酱叻??这场雨是为了要让我们也受一点点的苦…不知道会不会有人因为这一点点的挫折而不来团契叻???哈哈…想象力有点太丰富了…随便啦…反正都与我无关…最近我对他也没什么信心了…… 要不是答应别人当今天的主席的话, 我也不会出席的.
结果呢???正如我所说的,人数大大减少.加上已经是 Study week了.很多人都回家了.
今天啊,我完全提不起劲.因为最近觉得自己好没有用哦!!!!就连他们所说的怜悯,慈爱的神,我也觉得都不理我了.更不用说是朋友.最近, 总觉得我的祷告不会实现.或者是说, 祷告很久的事情都没实现吧!!加上这阵子XF的事情,让我觉得自己不被关心.在朋友当中, 最不起眼, 最被忽略的, 应该非我莫属了吧!!!这样,我真的很痛苦!!也因这样,放弃了我认识及服侍多年的神..之前,也曾试过如此.但是, 路走歪了, 都回到了神的身边.只是, XF的事和朋友的冷落, 让我丝毫都感觉不到人间温暖.可能是因为很多人关心XF吧!!有点吃醋的感觉~~哈哈~~如果, 有事的是我, 这些所谓的朋友会不会也那么的关心我叻??毕竟XF人缘比我好太多了..算啦….不用比也知道..有也不到三个啦~~哈哈…真讽刺啊…同样是我的朋友, 却没人在乎我似的.很多时候, 我不想靠别人就是这样.不想他们帮得心不甘情不愿地.就算是帮我, 也不一定是自愿的.可能是我逼的.算了吧!!朋友来了会走的.大不了就自己一个人咯…最近我都是这样的啦.一个人吃喝玩睡.不必应酬别人, 别人也不必应酬我.
不管我付出多少,怎么付出,总觉得没人知道.也没人会因此而感动.一而再, 再而三地利用我可能就有吧!!谁知道??连他都不理我了,就把自己闷起来好啦!!反正,我内心的挣扎与呐喊他都似乎听不到.又或者他根本不想听我这种没出息的人的祷告吧!!谁知道??
我….
现在就象没了灵魂似的.在空中漂浮着.
我….
能找回自己的躯壳吗???
谁知道???
祷告.需要多久才会被回应呢??有没有人可以告诉我??如果就如他们所说的,要等.那到底需要等多久呢??我又还有多少时间可以等呢???一天??一个星期???一个月???一年???三年???还是五年,十年???谁知道???
今天,下了一场很长很久的雨.真想知道为什么这场雨会下在这个时候??我也觉得我的想法很奇怪..哈哈……
今天团契的主题是<受难节>.不知道是不是因为酱叻??这场雨是为了要让我们也受一点点的苦…不知道会不会有人因为这一点点的挫折而不来团契叻???哈哈…想象力有点太丰富了…随便啦…反正都与我无关…最近我对他也没什么信心了…… 要不是答应别人当今天的主席的话, 我也不会出席的.
结果呢???正如我所说的,人数大大减少.加上已经是 Study week了.很多人都回家了.
今天啊,我完全提不起劲.因为最近觉得自己好没有用哦!!!!就连他们所说的怜悯,慈爱的神,我也觉得都不理我了.更不用说是朋友.最近, 总觉得我的祷告不会实现.或者是说, 祷告很久的事情都没实现吧!!加上这阵子XF的事情,让我觉得自己不被关心.在朋友当中, 最不起眼, 最被忽略的, 应该非我莫属了吧!!!这样,我真的很痛苦!!也因这样,放弃了我认识及服侍多年的神..之前,也曾试过如此.但是, 路走歪了, 都回到了神的身边.只是, XF的事和朋友的冷落, 让我丝毫都感觉不到人间温暖.可能是因为很多人关心XF吧!!有点吃醋的感觉~~哈哈~~如果, 有事的是我, 这些所谓的朋友会不会也那么的关心我叻??毕竟XF人缘比我好太多了..算啦….不用比也知道..有也不到三个啦~~哈哈…真讽刺啊…同样是我的朋友, 却没人在乎我似的.很多时候, 我不想靠别人就是这样.不想他们帮得心不甘情不愿地.就算是帮我, 也不一定是自愿的.可能是我逼的.算了吧!!朋友来了会走的.大不了就自己一个人咯…最近我都是这样的啦.一个人吃喝玩睡.不必应酬别人, 别人也不必应酬我.
不管我付出多少,怎么付出,总觉得没人知道.也没人会因此而感动.一而再, 再而三地利用我可能就有吧!!谁知道??连他都不理我了,就把自己闷起来好啦!!反正,我内心的挣扎与呐喊他都似乎听不到.又或者他根本不想听我这种没出息的人的祷告吧!!谁知道??
我….
现在就象没了灵魂似的.在空中漂浮着.
我….
能找回自己的躯壳吗???
谁知道???
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
One of my unlucky day in my life!!!!
April 6th, 2009
I’m so incredible today. Why?? Hee…. I was rushing for my assignments since yesterday night. I finished it at 8am TODAY!! Without taking any nap or rest!! And I’m going to have 2 presentations today!! Man!!! Both are my course paper assignments. But when the needle of the clock reaches 8am, I couldn’t stand anymore and fall asleep. Before that, I had turned my alarm on to wake me up at 9.15am. Because I have one class going on at 10am.
Then, I end up dreaming and forgot about the class. Hah!!
Around 11am, I’ve got a message, saying: Today lecturer giving pop quiz!
Oh GOD!! Why would you treat me like this? I don’t mean to skip class…. Why???????
11.30am – Time for the first presentation. I finished my last preparation and waited for my friends to go together with them. This presentation is about System Development using MS Access. Because I’m the one who developed the system, so I brought my laptop for the presentation. None of my group mate brings laptop because some of them are going home for revision week. And we are the first group to present today.
We reached lecturer’s room and I turn on my laptop…… Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why all the unlucky things have to happen to me???? My screen is ‘JUMPING’!!!!! Oh no……… Please~~ Babe~~ Please don’t be nervous~~ I said to my laptop…. Hahah…. Very funny…. Today is gonna be one of my unlucky days in my whole life!!!! This is what I have in mind… Because of what happened to my laptop, we have to postpone our presentation time to 3.30pm. It’s my fault. If it is not because of me, SH and SS should already be reaching their home by 3.30pm. I’m so guilty. Haih~~~ My bad luck has drag them down into the water too. And my bad luck didn’t stop here.
My next presentation is on 2pm. There is still a lot of time. So, I and my friends decided to go for lunch. I asked them to go there first because I wanna withdraw money from the ATM machine near the library. LW and I went there. We queue up and waited for our turn. When it’s my turn, I put in my card key in everything required, and waited for the money to be cash out. I waited for around 1 minute. I keep on pressing cancel and the machine did not give me any respond!! What the dude man!!!! Money isn’t coming out and my card!!!Please don’t ‘swallow’ my card!! Luckily, the machine gave me back my card and money too. Or else, I would have gone mad! Then, we have our lunch. After the lunch, we went back to our hostel to make some correction on our system.
Around 1.50pm, I walked with TC to our 2pm class. We walked real slow and steady. Hah!
The first group started to present when I reach the class. When they finished their presentation, sir did not say or ask anything. We thought we’re safe. But when the second group finished, sir started to ask lots of questions which seems to be a little difficult for the group to answer. Oh no~~~ I said to myself. Not again. Please go away, oh Mr. Bad Luck. I’m in the 4th group, thinking that there shouldn’t be any problems. But still, a little, very very little problem occurred. I thought that I was supposed to be very nervous when the questions threw to me. Surprisingly, nope. Heehee~~~ Very good…. It shown that I’ve grown up…. Kakakaka~~~~
It’s 3.30pm now, I have to go for the second round for the System presentation. Though the presentation is not that smooth, it’s still ok compare to all the bad things I’ve gone through today. Another one doesn’t seem to add more affect for my day. By the way, today is the last day of class. So, it doesn’t matter much because I won’t need to all the presentation for this semester anymore~~~!!!!
Around 6pm, LW and I went to PERWAJA to have our dinner. I totally forgot about the last Cell Group(CG) meeting at 7pm. WY and CY called me but I did not answer the calls because I didn’t realize that the phone rang. When I saw the miss calls, I remembered and quickly walk to the destination.
Just when I reached, they asked me to tell them about my feeling on becoming a CG leader and why do I think I have been selected to become one of the CG leader. Don’t know where I got my courage from, I told them a lot about my thinking. And also what I’ve been through for the past one week. Really suffering. And I cried. Everything they do is hurting me, making me feeling like I’m useless. I have no contribution to the Christian Fellowship(CF). And I talk about all the weaknesses I saw in the CG and CF for this semester. What a relief for me. Hope that all my nightmares will be gone ASAP…..
I~~~ couldn’t stand anymore. I…. am now in a very deep dark place. If there are really 18 floors down in the hell like the Chinese always believe in~~~~ I guess I’m on the 18th floor below……..
Is there anyone????? Anyone who can just grab me up???? Back to my normal life??? Just like DEAN in Supernatural Season 4????? Hah!!!
I’m so incredible today. Why?? Hee…. I was rushing for my assignments since yesterday night. I finished it at 8am TODAY!! Without taking any nap or rest!! And I’m going to have 2 presentations today!! Man!!! Both are my course paper assignments. But when the needle of the clock reaches 8am, I couldn’t stand anymore and fall asleep. Before that, I had turned my alarm on to wake me up at 9.15am. Because I have one class going on at 10am.
Then, I end up dreaming and forgot about the class. Hah!!
Around 11am, I’ve got a message, saying: Today lecturer giving pop quiz!
Oh GOD!! Why would you treat me like this? I don’t mean to skip class…. Why???????
11.30am – Time for the first presentation. I finished my last preparation and waited for my friends to go together with them. This presentation is about System Development using MS Access. Because I’m the one who developed the system, so I brought my laptop for the presentation. None of my group mate brings laptop because some of them are going home for revision week. And we are the first group to present today.
We reached lecturer’s room and I turn on my laptop…… Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why all the unlucky things have to happen to me???? My screen is ‘JUMPING’!!!!! Oh no……… Please~~ Babe~~ Please don’t be nervous~~ I said to my laptop…. Hahah…. Very funny…. Today is gonna be one of my unlucky days in my whole life!!!! This is what I have in mind… Because of what happened to my laptop, we have to postpone our presentation time to 3.30pm. It’s my fault. If it is not because of me, SH and SS should already be reaching their home by 3.30pm. I’m so guilty. Haih~~~ My bad luck has drag them down into the water too. And my bad luck didn’t stop here.
My next presentation is on 2pm. There is still a lot of time. So, I and my friends decided to go for lunch. I asked them to go there first because I wanna withdraw money from the ATM machine near the library. LW and I went there. We queue up and waited for our turn. When it’s my turn, I put in my card key in everything required, and waited for the money to be cash out. I waited for around 1 minute. I keep on pressing cancel and the machine did not give me any respond!! What the dude man!!!! Money isn’t coming out and my card!!!Please don’t ‘swallow’ my card!! Luckily, the machine gave me back my card and money too. Or else, I would have gone mad! Then, we have our lunch. After the lunch, we went back to our hostel to make some correction on our system.
Around 1.50pm, I walked with TC to our 2pm class. We walked real slow and steady. Hah!
The first group started to present when I reach the class. When they finished their presentation, sir did not say or ask anything. We thought we’re safe. But when the second group finished, sir started to ask lots of questions which seems to be a little difficult for the group to answer. Oh no~~~ I said to myself. Not again. Please go away, oh Mr. Bad Luck. I’m in the 4th group, thinking that there shouldn’t be any problems. But still, a little, very very little problem occurred. I thought that I was supposed to be very nervous when the questions threw to me. Surprisingly, nope. Heehee~~~ Very good…. It shown that I’ve grown up…. Kakakaka~~~~
It’s 3.30pm now, I have to go for the second round for the System presentation. Though the presentation is not that smooth, it’s still ok compare to all the bad things I’ve gone through today. Another one doesn’t seem to add more affect for my day. By the way, today is the last day of class. So, it doesn’t matter much because I won’t need to all the presentation for this semester anymore~~~!!!!
Around 6pm, LW and I went to PERWAJA to have our dinner. I totally forgot about the last Cell Group(CG) meeting at 7pm. WY and CY called me but I did not answer the calls because I didn’t realize that the phone rang. When I saw the miss calls, I remembered and quickly walk to the destination.
Just when I reached, they asked me to tell them about my feeling on becoming a CG leader and why do I think I have been selected to become one of the CG leader. Don’t know where I got my courage from, I told them a lot about my thinking. And also what I’ve been through for the past one week. Really suffering. And I cried. Everything they do is hurting me, making me feeling like I’m useless. I have no contribution to the Christian Fellowship(CF). And I talk about all the weaknesses I saw in the CG and CF for this semester. What a relief for me. Hope that all my nightmares will be gone ASAP…..
I~~~ couldn’t stand anymore. I…. am now in a very deep dark place. If there are really 18 floors down in the hell like the Chinese always believe in~~~~ I guess I’m on the 18th floor below……..
Is there anyone????? Anyone who can just grab me up???? Back to my normal life??? Just like DEAN in Supernatural Season 4????? Hah!!!
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